This pregnancy is going by quickly. Only about 16 more weeks until we meet our baby BOY!!! We found out on October 25th, at 19 weeks, that we are expecting a little man! I was quite excited to find out he's a boy. I would've been fine with a girl, of course (and in my mind, I kept thinking he was a girl, as did almost everyone else who told me their guess for the gender), but I just think little boys are so sweet! And I guess I can see myself more, at least at this point in time, as the mommy of a boy than the mommy of a girl. Of course, I'd love to have a girl one day too!
Everything looked good on the anatomy scan. He is growing on track. The ultrasound tech asked us if we wanted to know the gender and, of course, I told her we did. And as she was trying to get a good look, I think my brain kind of halfway froze for a few moments. I was watching the screen, but I didn't want to assume that I knew what I was looking at until she told us. When she told us he's a boy, I was kind of surprised! But super excited! It was fun to see him moving around and kicking on the ultrasound. She printed out one picture for us, a good profile shot, but also gave us a DVD of the ultrasound and a CD of still pictures. It's very cool to have those first good glimpses at our son. We also showed the DVD to J's mom and to my parents and they all enjoyed it.
I thought about doing a 3D/4D ultrasound, but decided not to. I know they say ultrasound is safe when used appropriately, but I feel uncomfortable having one just for our entertainment. It does affect the baby when one is done and, for me, having an unnecessary ultrasound just so we can get some good looks at him seems selfish. I'm also not sure I really want to see what he looks like before he's born. I feel like that would take away some of the fun and surprise at his birth.
Nov 30, 2011
Nov 3, 2011
Oct 14, 2011
17 Weeks and 3 Days
Time is flying by! March will be here before we know it. I can't wait!
Everything still seems to be going well. I had my second appointment with a nurse-midwife at 16 weeks, but they didn't do anything other than listen to the baby's heartbeat, ask me some questions and ask if I had any questions. She said the heartbeat sounded good. I asked her to show me where the top of my uterus is because I can't really feel it. I think where she pointed to was just below my belly button, which she said is big for where we are in the pregnancy. She said maybe my dates were off (I'm fairly certain they're not) or maybe this was just a big baby. However, from the research I've done, this type of measurement (called the fundal height) is not an accurate way to assess the size of the baby. We should know more about the size after our next ultrasound.
Our anatomy/gender ultrasound is scheduled for October 25th and I am so very excited! Not only will we find out the gender (if the baby cooperates!), but we get to see the baby again! Our last ultrasound was at 8 weeks, so the baby still looked like a blob with tiny arms and legs. It'll be awesome to see it looking like a baby! I'm excited for J to see it too. I know the experience for me is completely different from what he's going through, so I'm glad he has an opportunity to actually see this little person who is making me become a bigger person!
I think I felt the baby moving for the first time this week, on the day I turned 17 weeks! I had felt some flutters before that which might have been the baby, but it's impossible to know for sure. But this was a feeling I had never felt before, so I feel fairly certain it was my little one. I was driving my car to work and I felt this feeling that felt sort of like popcorn popping or like being punched or kicked by something small. It was so cool! I haven't felt it since then, but I know it's still early. Hopefully within the next few days, I'll start feeling more consistent movement.
It's nice that this pregnancy has finally gotten to be more fun, rather than being a big worry-fest. Not that I don't worry anymore, but I defintely don't worry as much as I used to. Hopefully we will get the all-clear at the anatomy ultrasound and we can just cruise through the next few months with no problems!
As soon as we know the gender, I'm going to be on the hunt for the perfect name. I have ideas, but J doesn't always like what I do. And I'm so picky. Even picking out names for my dogs is a big deal to me! So picking out a name for a person...that's a major thing.
I am definitely looking more pregnant now. People are starting to notice without being told first. I'm glad I finally look pregnant and not just like I've indulged in too much junk food! I've gained around seven pounds so far. Pretty soon I'll be looking at numbers on the scale that I've never seen before. That's a little stressful, but I know it's necessary and for the best cause. I just know I'll have some work to do after the baby is born so I can lose the extra weight...otherwise, I won't have many clothes to wear!
Everything still seems to be going well. I had my second appointment with a nurse-midwife at 16 weeks, but they didn't do anything other than listen to the baby's heartbeat, ask me some questions and ask if I had any questions. She said the heartbeat sounded good. I asked her to show me where the top of my uterus is because I can't really feel it. I think where she pointed to was just below my belly button, which she said is big for where we are in the pregnancy. She said maybe my dates were off (I'm fairly certain they're not) or maybe this was just a big baby. However, from the research I've done, this type of measurement (called the fundal height) is not an accurate way to assess the size of the baby. We should know more about the size after our next ultrasound.
Our anatomy/gender ultrasound is scheduled for October 25th and I am so very excited! Not only will we find out the gender (if the baby cooperates!), but we get to see the baby again! Our last ultrasound was at 8 weeks, so the baby still looked like a blob with tiny arms and legs. It'll be awesome to see it looking like a baby! I'm excited for J to see it too. I know the experience for me is completely different from what he's going through, so I'm glad he has an opportunity to actually see this little person who is making me become a bigger person!
I think I felt the baby moving for the first time this week, on the day I turned 17 weeks! I had felt some flutters before that which might have been the baby, but it's impossible to know for sure. But this was a feeling I had never felt before, so I feel fairly certain it was my little one. I was driving my car to work and I felt this feeling that felt sort of like popcorn popping or like being punched or kicked by something small. It was so cool! I haven't felt it since then, but I know it's still early. Hopefully within the next few days, I'll start feeling more consistent movement.
It's nice that this pregnancy has finally gotten to be more fun, rather than being a big worry-fest. Not that I don't worry anymore, but I defintely don't worry as much as I used to. Hopefully we will get the all-clear at the anatomy ultrasound and we can just cruise through the next few months with no problems!
As soon as we know the gender, I'm going to be on the hunt for the perfect name. I have ideas, but J doesn't always like what I do. And I'm so picky. Even picking out names for my dogs is a big deal to me! So picking out a name for a person...that's a major thing.
I am definitely looking more pregnant now. People are starting to notice without being told first. I'm glad I finally look pregnant and not just like I've indulged in too much junk food! I've gained around seven pounds so far. Pretty soon I'll be looking at numbers on the scale that I've never seen before. That's a little stressful, but I know it's necessary and for the best cause. I just know I'll have some work to do after the baby is born so I can lose the extra weight...otherwise, I won't have many clothes to wear!
Sep 18, 2011
13 Weeks and 5 Days
Here's a baby bump picture that was taken two days ago:
The pregnancy is still going well. We made it to the second trimester! I still listen to the baby's heartbeat every day. I haven't gained much weight yet...maybe a pound or two. Our next appointment with the nurse-midwife is at sixteen weeks. She said we could do our "20 week" ultrasound at 19 weeks, so we have just a little over five weeks before we find out if we're having a boy or girl! (If the baby cooperates, that is.)
We've bought a few baby items. We have two car seats (one for each car), a stroller (a big one that goes with one of the car seats...we still need to get a lightweight stroller), a portable swing, a Pack 'N Play, a high chair and a diaper bag. We also have quite a few items of clothing and some toys, blankets and bibs. I ordered some cloth diapers online, but they're in layaway right now. Then I found a diaper that's the brand I ordered in a discount store, so I got it. It's adorable! I guess we'll keep disposables around for traveling and times when it's easier not to have to deal with the cloth, but I want to use the cloth primarily.
J and I are going on a trip to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for our eighth wedding anniversary, which is September 20th. We'll be gone this Friday through next Tuesday and we're looking forward to just having some time to relax. His parents have a chalet in the mountains and that's where we're going to be staying. Life is so busy when we're home and we don't have a lot of time when it's just the two of us and we're not in the middle of doing something else. So I'm excited to spend some time just hanging out with my husband!
Pictures
Me with my parents and husband.
With Riders in the Sky.
At the U.S. Space & Rocket Center in Huntsville, Alabama.
In Charleston, South Carolina.
Aug 25, 2011
10 Weeks and 2 Days
We had our first appointment with the nurse-midwife group on August 23rd at 10 weeks. It went really well and I think I'm really going to be happy working with them. We saw Lauren, who will be my "primary" midwife, by virtue of the fact that she was the first person I saw. She was really nice and had an easy way about her. I'll see her at my next appointment, but then they encourage you to see other midwives also, so you have a better chance of having some familiarity with whoever happens to be on call when it's time for you to deliver.
We mostly just talked at this appointment. She gave me a book that they give all their clients called "Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth". I haven't started it yet, but plan to this weekend. We discussed the Prometrium I've been taking. I told her my RE wanted me to start weaning off of it this week, but that I'd like to take it a little longer if it was okay. She said it was okay to take it up until 12 weeks, but I should stop it at that point. So just a few more days of that!
We got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time! It took her a moment to find it. When she did, she got this big smile on her face and said, "Awesome! It's in the 160s. It's perfect." She told me before she looked for it that since I was only 10 weeks, she wasn't sure if she'd be able to find it and she wouldn't be worried if she couldn't. (Of course, I would've been worried.) After she found it, she thanked me for being skinny! I guess if I wasn't, she might not have been able to find it this soon.
I purchased a fetal doppler to use at home and we tried it out for the first time after our appointment. It arrived the day before, but I figured it would be better to wait until after the midwife had found it to try it out...that way if we weren't able to locate the heartbeat, we wouldn't worry because we would know it was there. J was able to find it, but just for a moment, then I guess the baby moved. I have been able to find it every time I've tried since then. It's just so reassuring to hear it. Since our next appointment isn't until October 4th, the doppler is going to be my best friend. I might lose my mind having to wait that long to know things were okay, so I'm very thankful I have the doppler to give me peace of mind. Plus, it's just cool to hear the heartbeat!
We mostly just talked at this appointment. She gave me a book that they give all their clients called "Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth". I haven't started it yet, but plan to this weekend. We discussed the Prometrium I've been taking. I told her my RE wanted me to start weaning off of it this week, but that I'd like to take it a little longer if it was okay. She said it was okay to take it up until 12 weeks, but I should stop it at that point. So just a few more days of that!
We got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time! It took her a moment to find it. When she did, she got this big smile on her face and said, "Awesome! It's in the 160s. It's perfect." She told me before she looked for it that since I was only 10 weeks, she wasn't sure if she'd be able to find it and she wouldn't be worried if she couldn't. (Of course, I would've been worried.) After she found it, she thanked me for being skinny! I guess if I wasn't, she might not have been able to find it this soon.
I purchased a fetal doppler to use at home and we tried it out for the first time after our appointment. It arrived the day before, but I figured it would be better to wait until after the midwife had found it to try it out...that way if we weren't able to locate the heartbeat, we wouldn't worry because we would know it was there. J was able to find it, but just for a moment, then I guess the baby moved. I have been able to find it every time I've tried since then. It's just so reassuring to hear it. Since our next appointment isn't until October 4th, the doppler is going to be my best friend. I might lose my mind having to wait that long to know things were okay, so I'm very thankful I have the doppler to give me peace of mind. Plus, it's just cool to hear the heartbeat!
Aug 16, 2011
9 Weeks
Today I'm 9 weeks pregnant! I'm thankful to have made it this far and I'm worrying less than I was at first. Every day still feels like a little victory, though, and I'm sure I'll never stop worrying completely. Our last doctor's appointment was on August 11th. We saw my RE again and had another ultrasound. This was at 8w2d and it was cool to see the difference in the baby from 6w2d. It actually looks kind of like a person now! And this time we got to see the heartbeat (which was 158). J said he teared up during the ultrasound. I'm glad he's been with me at every appointment so far. He is excited about being a dad!
Everything looked good. The RE said the fluid in my uterus is significantly less than it was at the last ultrasound. He is not convinced that it's actually a subchorionic bleed. He said that's what the Maternal Fetal Medicine people said (I guess that's who read the ultrasound), but he's not sure that's what it is. He's not sure what it is, but, at any rate, it seems to be going away and hopefully it'll be gone by the next ultrasound.
The RE released me from his care, so I will be getting my care from a group of nurse-midwives from now on. Our first appointment is August 23rd and I'm looking forward to that. This will be our first "real" OB appointment, since up until now we've just been checking the progress of the pregnancy and following up on the fluid issue. I'm excited to be using the nurse-midwives rather than a physician. I feel like they'll be a better fit with my philosophy on childbirth and my desire to have it be as natural as possible. Right now, I'm planning on an unmedicated birth. I'm not very tolerant of pain, really, but I know that's better for the baby and for me.
As for how I'm feeling, I'm doing pretty well. The nausea got worse for a few days and now it's better again. I've been having a lot of headaches, but I'm not sure if that's related to being pregnant or not. I have them regularly anyway, but I know pregnancy can make it worse. It's a struggle not to take anything for them. I know I can take acetaminophen, but I'm trying not to take it as much as I would if I wasn't pregnant. I had a horrible migraine a few days ago. I get them every once in a while, but this one was just wearing me out. The pain behind my eye was so awful. I actually started crying because it hurt so bad, which I don't think I've ever done because of a migraine. But it finally stopped. I live in fear of having another one, though!
I haven't really gained weight so far. I was 105 the first time I weighed after I found out I was pregnant and I was 107 this morning. But it has been fluctuating. Its a little scary that in a few weeks I'll be seeing numbers on the scale that I've never seen before. At least it's for a great cause!
Everything looked good. The RE said the fluid in my uterus is significantly less than it was at the last ultrasound. He is not convinced that it's actually a subchorionic bleed. He said that's what the Maternal Fetal Medicine people said (I guess that's who read the ultrasound), but he's not sure that's what it is. He's not sure what it is, but, at any rate, it seems to be going away and hopefully it'll be gone by the next ultrasound.
The RE released me from his care, so I will be getting my care from a group of nurse-midwives from now on. Our first appointment is August 23rd and I'm looking forward to that. This will be our first "real" OB appointment, since up until now we've just been checking the progress of the pregnancy and following up on the fluid issue. I'm excited to be using the nurse-midwives rather than a physician. I feel like they'll be a better fit with my philosophy on childbirth and my desire to have it be as natural as possible. Right now, I'm planning on an unmedicated birth. I'm not very tolerant of pain, really, but I know that's better for the baby and for me.
As for how I'm feeling, I'm doing pretty well. The nausea got worse for a few days and now it's better again. I've been having a lot of headaches, but I'm not sure if that's related to being pregnant or not. I have them regularly anyway, but I know pregnancy can make it worse. It's a struggle not to take anything for them. I know I can take acetaminophen, but I'm trying not to take it as much as I would if I wasn't pregnant. I had a horrible migraine a few days ago. I get them every once in a while, but this one was just wearing me out. The pain behind my eye was so awful. I actually started crying because it hurt so bad, which I don't think I've ever done because of a migraine. But it finally stopped. I live in fear of having another one, though!
I haven't really gained weight so far. I was 105 the first time I weighed after I found out I was pregnant and I was 107 this morning. But it has been fluctuating. Its a little scary that in a few weeks I'll be seeing numbers on the scale that I've never seen before. At least it's for a great cause!
Jul 29, 2011
Surprise!!!!
I'm pregnant!!!!
Even though I never completely gave up hope that it would eventually happen, there were definitely times when I wondered if I'd ever get to say those words. But here I am!
It started around July 11th. It was getting close to time for my period to start and I was having some cramping down below. It felt similar to menstrual cramps, but maybe not exactly like them. However, I don't normally have cramps until after my period has arrived, so it was kind of strange. I haven't been temping regularly at all, but I took my temperature the morning of the 12th and it was quite high. I had also had some nausea. So I started to wonder if, after all this time, I could possibly be pregnant.
Shortly after I got home from work on the 12th, I took a HPT. For the first time in my life, I saw two lines! (With my first pregnancy, I never took a HPT. I discovered I was pregnant via labwork.) What a nice surprise! However, the test I had taken had an expiration date of July 2012. I figured it was still okay, but I'm paranoid, so I took another one that was not expiring any time soon. It was positive too! So I figured it must be really true. (I also took another one later that night and one in the morning.)
My husband was not home from work yet. I felt the need to tell someone, but I didn't want to tell him over the phone. So I called my parents and told them! They were very excited. They know we've been trying a long time. When my husband got home, I showed him the tests. Very creative way to tell your husband he's going to be a dad! He was on the phone when he walked in and I just wanted him to stop talking so I could tell him! He was excited, but also scared. So many things are going to change and we had plans for the future that now have to be altered. But he is looking forward to being a daddy!
I called my doctor's office the next morning, July 13th, to see if I could get a blood test done to confirm the pregnancy. My beta came back at 534 and my progesterone was 21.3. On the 15th, the beta was 1,383 and the progesterone was 22.8. My doctor (I'm still being followed by my RE at this point, even though I didn't conceive through fertility treatment) wanted me to have an ultrasound done the following week, so that was scheduled for the 21st. I asked if I could have my labs drawn again in preparation for the ultrasound and I'm glad I did. On the 21st, my beta was 10,778, but my progesterone had dropped to 16.9. Of course that drop worried me. I know progesterone fluctuates, but that seemed to be a pretty large drop to me.
At our ultrasound that afternoon, all we saw was the gestational sac, which was to be expected that early on. (Plus, I think the ultrasound equipment he was using was kind of old. I don't know if a newer and better machine would have seen more at that point.) I was 5w2d going by my LMP. He prescribed me some Prometrium for progesterone support and I started it that evening. He told me to take it orally and to take 100 mg three times a day. But I decided I would rather take it vaginally. He said that was okay, but dropped the dose down to 100 mg twice a day.
He noted that there was large area of fluid in my uterus on the ultrasound, but did not say what it was. I thought he said he didn't know, but I'm not sure. He said it wasn't close to the baby and that it would not move around, so it wasn't something I needed to worry about. Of course, I worried about it anyway. He told me to come back in a week for another ultrasound and an appointment with the other doctor in the practice. My regular RE would be out that day and I didn't want to see this other doctor, but I wanted to have the ultrasound that day, so I just went with it. (I saw the other doctor one time, when we were first starting to seek out an answer to why we weren't getting pregnant. Neither my husband nor I liked her at all. It was such an awkward appointment and I didn't care for her bedside manner. Our personalities just did not mesh at all.)
Fast forward to the 28th and our second ultrasound. They took all the measurements this time and it took quite a while. The ultrasound tech said she would take a few minutes to get the measurements and then turn the screen around so we could look at it. Of course I was afraid there would be no baby there or that something would be wrong. I knew that at 6w2d, we might or might not see the heartbeat. Even though I knew it might be too early, I knew I'd worry about it if we didn't see it yet. So I was shaking a little from nerves while I was laying there on the table waiting for her to get done. Finally, she turned the screen around. And we saw the yolk sac and our sweet little baby. She did not show us the heartbeat, but she was able to measure it and it was 131 bpm. The baby measured just right at 6w2d. We got several good pictures. (Not that there's a whole lot to see, but it's still awesome to have!) Plus, they tested my progesterone again and it was up to 29.3, so that was good news.
I felt some relief after the ultrasound because everything was where it was supposed to be and the baby had a detectable heartbeat, which is a good sign.
Then we met with Dr. Awkward. Both J and I really like our RE. He is very personable and I feel comfortable asking him questions. He doesn't make us nervous or make us feel uncomfortable. He is the one who did my lap surgery last November. I trust him. But Dr. Awkward...ugh. Neither J or I were looking forward to meeting with her. Anyway, she said the ultrasound looked good. I asked her about the fluid in my uterus and she said it could be a subchorionic bleed. This is not exactly common in pregnancy, but it happens and most of the time it's not a big deal. Sometimes women will bleed out and the baby will be fine. Sometimes it is reabsorbed. Sometimes it causes problems. She was kind of negative about it. Even though the statistics I've found say there's a low chance it will cause the loss of the baby. But she seems like the kind of person who is kind of gloom and doom. I mean, I'm all for honesty, of course. I don't want the doctor to give me false hope. But I've done some research on this and I know that there is generally more reason to expect things to be okay than not with this particular issue.
The ultrasound report says this probably is a subchorionic bleed. Apparently my RE is out right now, but I've left a message for him to ask him if it's something I need to be concerned about based on the size and location. I wish I didn't have this to worry about because everything else seems to be going along pretty well. The ultrasound also showed a uterine fibroid that I was not aware of and I don't think my RE was either. I knew I had one, but they apparently found another small one. Why can't my uterus just be normal?
Anyway, overall things seem to be going well. I'm anxious to hear back from the doctor on his opinion of the bleed. If he says it's small and nothing to worry about, I'll feel better. I'm sure I'll still worry, but maybe not as much. I know worrying about it doesn't help. I've been praying a lot about the baby and I know other people are praying too. We have another ultrasound on August 11th. I think this is mostly to check on the bleed, but I guess we'll be able to see the baby again too. Bonus!
Baby R is due on March 20, 2012! (Which happens to be my mom's birthday!)
Even though I never completely gave up hope that it would eventually happen, there were definitely times when I wondered if I'd ever get to say those words. But here I am!
It started around July 11th. It was getting close to time for my period to start and I was having some cramping down below. It felt similar to menstrual cramps, but maybe not exactly like them. However, I don't normally have cramps until after my period has arrived, so it was kind of strange. I haven't been temping regularly at all, but I took my temperature the morning of the 12th and it was quite high. I had also had some nausea. So I started to wonder if, after all this time, I could possibly be pregnant.
Shortly after I got home from work on the 12th, I took a HPT. For the first time in my life, I saw two lines! (With my first pregnancy, I never took a HPT. I discovered I was pregnant via labwork.) What a nice surprise! However, the test I had taken had an expiration date of July 2012. I figured it was still okay, but I'm paranoid, so I took another one that was not expiring any time soon. It was positive too! So I figured it must be really true. (I also took another one later that night and one in the morning.)
My husband was not home from work yet. I felt the need to tell someone, but I didn't want to tell him over the phone. So I called my parents and told them! They were very excited. They know we've been trying a long time. When my husband got home, I showed him the tests. Very creative way to tell your husband he's going to be a dad! He was on the phone when he walked in and I just wanted him to stop talking so I could tell him! He was excited, but also scared. So many things are going to change and we had plans for the future that now have to be altered. But he is looking forward to being a daddy!
I called my doctor's office the next morning, July 13th, to see if I could get a blood test done to confirm the pregnancy. My beta came back at 534 and my progesterone was 21.3. On the 15th, the beta was 1,383 and the progesterone was 22.8. My doctor (I'm still being followed by my RE at this point, even though I didn't conceive through fertility treatment) wanted me to have an ultrasound done the following week, so that was scheduled for the 21st. I asked if I could have my labs drawn again in preparation for the ultrasound and I'm glad I did. On the 21st, my beta was 10,778, but my progesterone had dropped to 16.9. Of course that drop worried me. I know progesterone fluctuates, but that seemed to be a pretty large drop to me.
At our ultrasound that afternoon, all we saw was the gestational sac, which was to be expected that early on. (Plus, I think the ultrasound equipment he was using was kind of old. I don't know if a newer and better machine would have seen more at that point.) I was 5w2d going by my LMP. He prescribed me some Prometrium for progesterone support and I started it that evening. He told me to take it orally and to take 100 mg three times a day. But I decided I would rather take it vaginally. He said that was okay, but dropped the dose down to 100 mg twice a day.
He noted that there was large area of fluid in my uterus on the ultrasound, but did not say what it was. I thought he said he didn't know, but I'm not sure. He said it wasn't close to the baby and that it would not move around, so it wasn't something I needed to worry about. Of course, I worried about it anyway. He told me to come back in a week for another ultrasound and an appointment with the other doctor in the practice. My regular RE would be out that day and I didn't want to see this other doctor, but I wanted to have the ultrasound that day, so I just went with it. (I saw the other doctor one time, when we were first starting to seek out an answer to why we weren't getting pregnant. Neither my husband nor I liked her at all. It was such an awkward appointment and I didn't care for her bedside manner. Our personalities just did not mesh at all.)
Fast forward to the 28th and our second ultrasound. They took all the measurements this time and it took quite a while. The ultrasound tech said she would take a few minutes to get the measurements and then turn the screen around so we could look at it. Of course I was afraid there would be no baby there or that something would be wrong. I knew that at 6w2d, we might or might not see the heartbeat. Even though I knew it might be too early, I knew I'd worry about it if we didn't see it yet. So I was shaking a little from nerves while I was laying there on the table waiting for her to get done. Finally, she turned the screen around. And we saw the yolk sac and our sweet little baby. She did not show us the heartbeat, but she was able to measure it and it was 131 bpm. The baby measured just right at 6w2d. We got several good pictures. (Not that there's a whole lot to see, but it's still awesome to have!) Plus, they tested my progesterone again and it was up to 29.3, so that was good news.
I felt some relief after the ultrasound because everything was where it was supposed to be and the baby had a detectable heartbeat, which is a good sign.
Then we met with Dr. Awkward. Both J and I really like our RE. He is very personable and I feel comfortable asking him questions. He doesn't make us nervous or make us feel uncomfortable. He is the one who did my lap surgery last November. I trust him. But Dr. Awkward...ugh. Neither J or I were looking forward to meeting with her. Anyway, she said the ultrasound looked good. I asked her about the fluid in my uterus and she said it could be a subchorionic bleed. This is not exactly common in pregnancy, but it happens and most of the time it's not a big deal. Sometimes women will bleed out and the baby will be fine. Sometimes it is reabsorbed. Sometimes it causes problems. She was kind of negative about it. Even though the statistics I've found say there's a low chance it will cause the loss of the baby. But she seems like the kind of person who is kind of gloom and doom. I mean, I'm all for honesty, of course. I don't want the doctor to give me false hope. But I've done some research on this and I know that there is generally more reason to expect things to be okay than not with this particular issue.
The ultrasound report says this probably is a subchorionic bleed. Apparently my RE is out right now, but I've left a message for him to ask him if it's something I need to be concerned about based on the size and location. I wish I didn't have this to worry about because everything else seems to be going along pretty well. The ultrasound also showed a uterine fibroid that I was not aware of and I don't think my RE was either. I knew I had one, but they apparently found another small one. Why can't my uterus just be normal?
Anyway, overall things seem to be going well. I'm anxious to hear back from the doctor on his opinion of the bleed. If he says it's small and nothing to worry about, I'll feel better. I'm sure I'll still worry, but maybe not as much. I know worrying about it doesn't help. I've been praying a lot about the baby and I know other people are praying too. We have another ultrasound on August 11th. I think this is mostly to check on the bleed, but I guess we'll be able to see the baby again too. Bonus!
Baby R is due on March 20, 2012! (Which happens to be my mom's birthday!)
Jul 6, 2011
Summer fun.
Last month, my husband surprised me with tickets to the NKOTBSB concert in town. (That's New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys, for those of you who didn't listen to boy bands when you were a kid.) I was pretty excited! (And J got the tickets from his job and didn't have to pay for them, so that made it even better.) I was never a huge fan of the BSB, but I did like NKOTB when I was younger. It was fun (and cheesy) hearing all those songs from the old days. And there is nothing like 40 year old men trying to be as "cool" as they were when they were teenagers. It was hilarious. Even J seemed to have a good time, although I think he is hesitant to admit this since it involves losing his "man card".
We also recently went to a theme park to enjoy a day of fun, rollercoasters (and other rides, of course) and people watching. Oh, the people. I think it is possible that I saw more tattoos in that one day than I have in all the previous days of my life put together. It was crazy. I have a couple of tattoos (small ones) so I'm not against them. But most of these were just not attractive and too big! Don't they know how they're going to look when they're 80 years old? I'm guessing most of them don't care or haven't thought about it. At any rate, it was interesting.
I'm supposed to be studying for the LSAT that I'm retaking in October, but I haven't spent much time on it lately. It is so boring and it's pretty easy for me to find something else to do that's more important or pressing. I mean, I have to do laundry and cook dinner, right? And by the time I get home from work and do all the stuff around the house, my brain is too tired to study. I can easily stay up until midnight or later most nights, but not if I'm trying to read something. Even if it's something I want to read, it puts me to sleep. And, trust me, the LSAT study books and questions are not things that anyone (in their right mind) wants to read.
I fully intend to get some pictures on here at some point. I promise! Blogs are so much better with pictures (in my opinion).
We also recently went to a theme park to enjoy a day of fun, rollercoasters (and other rides, of course) and people watching. Oh, the people. I think it is possible that I saw more tattoos in that one day than I have in all the previous days of my life put together. It was crazy. I have a couple of tattoos (small ones) so I'm not against them. But most of these were just not attractive and too big! Don't they know how they're going to look when they're 80 years old? I'm guessing most of them don't care or haven't thought about it. At any rate, it was interesting.
I'm supposed to be studying for the LSAT that I'm retaking in October, but I haven't spent much time on it lately. It is so boring and it's pretty easy for me to find something else to do that's more important or pressing. I mean, I have to do laundry and cook dinner, right? And by the time I get home from work and do all the stuff around the house, my brain is too tired to study. I can easily stay up until midnight or later most nights, but not if I'm trying to read something. Even if it's something I want to read, it puts me to sleep. And, trust me, the LSAT study books and questions are not things that anyone (in their right mind) wants to read.
I fully intend to get some pictures on here at some point. I promise! Blogs are so much better with pictures (in my opinion).
Jun 20, 2011
Parental control.
I will admit that I'm one of those annoying people who does not have children, but likes to think she knows a few things about raising them. Now, to clarify, I realize that what you think you would do in a certain situation can go completely out the window when you actually have children. Because you just don't know what the particular circumstances will be or what the temperament of your child will be and the best way to handle them. BUT, I am nearly 32 years old. I have watched other people's parenting (or lack thereof) for quite some time. When you don't have kids of your own, what else can you do but be judmental of everyone else?
Recently, my husband and mother-in-law and I went to an outdoor concert. We took our two Dachshunds. One of them, Jake, is generally very well-behaved. His biggest problem is that he loves EVERYONE and wants to kiss them on the mouth. Brody is also generally pretty good, but he sometimes has an issue with barking. He's pretty loud for such a small guy and he doesn't just bark, he howls. We think it's pretty cute, but I can see how it would be annoying to someone else, particularly to someone who's not a dog person.
Anyway, so we were at this concert and the boys were behaving pretty well. Brody would start barking if he saw another dog (or sometimes some other object, but it mostly seemed to be dogs). But I was able to get him to be quiet pretty quickly (we had food with us...the great silencer). Some kids had come by or had been looking at the dogs, but nothing to get them terribly upset. But then several kids were there at one time. All boys, I think. They were all pretty young. Young enough that their parents or whoever was in charge of them should have had more control over them. At first they were just trying to pet the dogs. I think Brody was already barking some at this point. But then this one little boy, who was maybe two or three, started squealing at Brody, which made him bark more. He did this several times before someone came over and made him stop. I was trying to have a friendly look on my face, all the while wishing someone would come get these kids so my dog would stop freaking out. (I'm just glad he didn't pee on me, as he sometimes does when he's excited.)
I certainly don't mind if a kid wants to pet my dogs. In fact, I get a bit offended at those parents who, when their child sees our dogs and wants to come over, won't let them. But it bothers me when parents are on the other end of the spectrum and basically let their kids harrass my animals. If the dog is upset and barking, then doesn't it occur to them that maybe they need to get their kid out of the dog's face? Not because the dog's going to hurt them, but because it's frustrating to me, the owner. Not to mention we were out in a public place...so between the screaming and yelling little boys and the barking dog...it was kind of embarrassing.
I don't claim to know everything about being a parent or know how I'll handle every situation. But I think it's safe to say that if those had been my kids, they would NOT have been allowed to act like that.
Recently, my husband and mother-in-law and I went to an outdoor concert. We took our two Dachshunds. One of them, Jake, is generally very well-behaved. His biggest problem is that he loves EVERYONE and wants to kiss them on the mouth. Brody is also generally pretty good, but he sometimes has an issue with barking. He's pretty loud for such a small guy and he doesn't just bark, he howls. We think it's pretty cute, but I can see how it would be annoying to someone else, particularly to someone who's not a dog person.
Anyway, so we were at this concert and the boys were behaving pretty well. Brody would start barking if he saw another dog (or sometimes some other object, but it mostly seemed to be dogs). But I was able to get him to be quiet pretty quickly (we had food with us...the great silencer). Some kids had come by or had been looking at the dogs, but nothing to get them terribly upset. But then several kids were there at one time. All boys, I think. They were all pretty young. Young enough that their parents or whoever was in charge of them should have had more control over them. At first they were just trying to pet the dogs. I think Brody was already barking some at this point. But then this one little boy, who was maybe two or three, started squealing at Brody, which made him bark more. He did this several times before someone came over and made him stop. I was trying to have a friendly look on my face, all the while wishing someone would come get these kids so my dog would stop freaking out. (I'm just glad he didn't pee on me, as he sometimes does when he's excited.)
I certainly don't mind if a kid wants to pet my dogs. In fact, I get a bit offended at those parents who, when their child sees our dogs and wants to come over, won't let them. But it bothers me when parents are on the other end of the spectrum and basically let their kids harrass my animals. If the dog is upset and barking, then doesn't it occur to them that maybe they need to get their kid out of the dog's face? Not because the dog's going to hurt them, but because it's frustrating to me, the owner. Not to mention we were out in a public place...so between the screaming and yelling little boys and the barking dog...it was kind of embarrassing.
I don't claim to know everything about being a parent or know how I'll handle every situation. But I think it's safe to say that if those had been my kids, they would NOT have been allowed to act like that.
Jun 3, 2011
Life was almost so different.
If things had turned out differently, we probably would've been celebrating our four-year-old's birthday this weekend.
I would know what it's like to have someone call me "mommy".
I would be an expert at bandaging boo-boos and kissing skinned knees.
I would enjoy celebrating the holidays again because I'd have someone little to share them with.
I would read more children's books and fewer books written for adults.
Our living room floor would be strewn with the toys of a child instead of the toys of our dogs. (Well, there would still be dog toys!)
I wouldn't feel left out when people around me talk about their children.
I wouldn't still long to see my husband be a daddy.
I wouldn't wonder if I would ever have a child.
I wouldn't have to wonder if our child was a boy or a girl, what color their hair and eyes were, if they favored me or my husband or what kind of person they would grow up to be.
Our baby was due around June 6, 2007. It's hard to imagine how different our life would be if the baby had made it. We would be such different people because we'd be someone's parents. Our choices, our priorities, our plans...they would all take into consideration the child that was in our lives.
But we go on, without a child at the moment and not knowing what the future holds. We don't know if we'll ever have a biological child, although we hope we will. We don't know if we'll move on to adoption at some point. All I know is that losing the baby shaped our current life in the same way a living child would've shaped it. When you're a parent, it becomes the center of who you are. Every decision you make is made with your child in mind. Every action you take will take into consideration the consequences on this little person who means so much to you. When you don't have children, you're more free to do what you want. You can travel and stay up late and watch whatever you want to on television. You can spend your free time however you want, instead of having to cater to the needs of a little kid. Whether or not you're a parent affects so many things about your life and lifestyle.
I'm not completely sorry for where we are now. I'm glad we moved from where we last lived (where we were when we lost the baby). I don't like where we live now, but we'll probably be moving within the next year or so for law school. I'm glad I have the opportunity to go back to school and thankful for a husband who is willing to support us while I do that. I'm glad I get to sleep in occasionally. It's nice to eat meals in peace and to only have to get myself ready in the morning. But I still wonder what things would've been like if we'd been able to take our baby home from the hospital and raise it...something so many people take for granted, but many other people don't get to experience.
I'm so ready to experience that. I'm ready to give up the freedom to experience motherhood. After all, I'm not getting any younger here. It would be nice if I had a child before my friends start becoming grandmothers, you know? But I'm trying to be patient (sort of). I'm trying not to spend too much time focusing on it because, at the moment, there isn't much I can do. But when it finally happens, whether through my own pregnancy or through an adoption...I am SO ready.
I would know what it's like to have someone call me "mommy".
I would be an expert at bandaging boo-boos and kissing skinned knees.
I would enjoy celebrating the holidays again because I'd have someone little to share them with.
I would read more children's books and fewer books written for adults.
Our living room floor would be strewn with the toys of a child instead of the toys of our dogs. (Well, there would still be dog toys!)
I wouldn't feel left out when people around me talk about their children.
I wouldn't still long to see my husband be a daddy.
I wouldn't wonder if I would ever have a child.
I wouldn't have to wonder if our child was a boy or a girl, what color their hair and eyes were, if they favored me or my husband or what kind of person they would grow up to be.
Our baby was due around June 6, 2007. It's hard to imagine how different our life would be if the baby had made it. We would be such different people because we'd be someone's parents. Our choices, our priorities, our plans...they would all take into consideration the child that was in our lives.
But we go on, without a child at the moment and not knowing what the future holds. We don't know if we'll ever have a biological child, although we hope we will. We don't know if we'll move on to adoption at some point. All I know is that losing the baby shaped our current life in the same way a living child would've shaped it. When you're a parent, it becomes the center of who you are. Every decision you make is made with your child in mind. Every action you take will take into consideration the consequences on this little person who means so much to you. When you don't have children, you're more free to do what you want. You can travel and stay up late and watch whatever you want to on television. You can spend your free time however you want, instead of having to cater to the needs of a little kid. Whether or not you're a parent affects so many things about your life and lifestyle.
I'm not completely sorry for where we are now. I'm glad we moved from where we last lived (where we were when we lost the baby). I don't like where we live now, but we'll probably be moving within the next year or so for law school. I'm glad I have the opportunity to go back to school and thankful for a husband who is willing to support us while I do that. I'm glad I get to sleep in occasionally. It's nice to eat meals in peace and to only have to get myself ready in the morning. But I still wonder what things would've been like if we'd been able to take our baby home from the hospital and raise it...something so many people take for granted, but many other people don't get to experience.
I'm so ready to experience that. I'm ready to give up the freedom to experience motherhood. After all, I'm not getting any younger here. It would be nice if I had a child before my friends start becoming grandmothers, you know? But I'm trying to be patient (sort of). I'm trying not to spend too much time focusing on it because, at the moment, there isn't much I can do. But when it finally happens, whether through my own pregnancy or through an adoption...I am SO ready.
May 19, 2011
The boys.
My husband and I really love our dogs. They are most definitely an important part of our family. I don't think I can ever have another type of dog other than a miniature Dachshund. They are just awesome! Here are some pictures of the boys, Jake and Brody.
Brody, looking more grown-up than I think he does in person.
They love each other!
Baby Brody.
Love them!
Jake, looking serious.
Brody, looking more grown-up than I think he does in person.
Jake in his Snuggie that doesn't quite fit.
Baby Brody.
Love them!
May 17, 2011
I had a dream...
Today did not start out too well. I had a nice dream that J and I had found out I was pregnant. I should have realized it was a dream, since I think I was maybe five or six weeks along and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't take me that long to figure it out if it really happened. Anyway, we were excited and it was all quite pleasant...until I woke up. It took me a moment to get oriented and realize that I am not, in fact, pregnant. I felt sad when I realized this and it wasn't a good way to start the day.
As I've mentioned before, I've been thinking about adoption lately. But this dream just brought back to the forefront of my mind and emotions how much I really want to have biological children. I want to experience pregnancy. I want to go through that with my husband. And I wonder if it's ever going to happen. One minute I'm okay (more or less) with adoption and the next (right now) I just want to find a way to make a baby grow in my own body. A baby made up of me and J.
In other news (or, rather, non-news) things are still up in the air about law school and they will be for a few more months. I started studying for the LSAT again last night. Uggghhhh. It is so boring. It makes my brain hurt. But I will do it and I'm determined to score several points higher than I did the first time I took it. Admittedly, I could have studied much harder for it that time. But, as I said, it is so boring. I'll take it in October and will get my scores about three weeks after the test. Then I'll apply to a few different schools I'm interested and, as I get offers for admission (and hopefully scholarships), we'll make a decision about where we want to go. This is assuming I get more than one offer, of course!
I'm looking forward to moving out of the area we live in now and making a life somewhere else (even if it's only for the three years I'm in school). Then, when I'm done with school, maybe we'll finally be able to live somewhere we actually want to live. And be able to afford to do some things we want to do. (Buy a house, HAVE SOME BABIES, etc.) My dream of moving to South Carolina and my dream of babies will keep me going through law school when it gets tough. (That and my dogs. I envision many evenings of studying with both of them right there with me.) May of 2015 can't get here fast enough. Of course, I intend to enjoy life between now and then and don't want to wish the years away. But I feel like the dreams I have for the future can really start to come to fruition when I graduate. I can't wait!
As I've mentioned before, I've been thinking about adoption lately. But this dream just brought back to the forefront of my mind and emotions how much I really want to have biological children. I want to experience pregnancy. I want to go through that with my husband. And I wonder if it's ever going to happen. One minute I'm okay (more or less) with adoption and the next (right now) I just want to find a way to make a baby grow in my own body. A baby made up of me and J.
In other news (or, rather, non-news) things are still up in the air about law school and they will be for a few more months. I started studying for the LSAT again last night. Uggghhhh. It is so boring. It makes my brain hurt. But I will do it and I'm determined to score several points higher than I did the first time I took it. Admittedly, I could have studied much harder for it that time. But, as I said, it is so boring. I'll take it in October and will get my scores about three weeks after the test. Then I'll apply to a few different schools I'm interested and, as I get offers for admission (and hopefully scholarships), we'll make a decision about where we want to go. This is assuming I get more than one offer, of course!
I'm looking forward to moving out of the area we live in now and making a life somewhere else (even if it's only for the three years I'm in school). Then, when I'm done with school, maybe we'll finally be able to live somewhere we actually want to live. And be able to afford to do some things we want to do. (Buy a house, HAVE SOME BABIES, etc.) My dream of moving to South Carolina and my dream of babies will keep me going through law school when it gets tough. (That and my dogs. I envision many evenings of studying with both of them right there with me.) May of 2015 can't get here fast enough. Of course, I intend to enjoy life between now and then and don't want to wish the years away. But I feel like the dreams I have for the future can really start to come to fruition when I graduate. I can't wait!
Apr 28, 2011
TTC v. Adoption: Some Thoughts
As a woman who has been TTC for over two years, with no known problems, I think it's only natural to start wondering if starting our family the "normal" way is ever going to happen. We have done very little in the way of fertility treatments. I took progesterone for two or three cycles because my doctor thought mine wasn't quite as high as he wanted it to be (although it was still within the normal range). I took Femara for one cycle, but it made me feel pretty icky toward the end of the cycle. And that's really it. Our RE says the next step is an IUI with injectable medications. And I am trying to figure out if it's worth it to go that route or if we should move on to adoption.
It actually doesn't matter much right now which way I'm leaning because it's going to be a little while, at least, before we can pursue anything. As I said in my last post, we have some debt we want to get taken care of and any money put toward trying to expand our family, regardless of how we choose to do it, will come after those other things are paid off. But I think about it a lot. About how we'll proceed and how our family will eventually grow.
And right now, I'm leaning toward adoption. Well, I'm hoping we can get pregnant naturally, but I'm open to adopting some day, even if we end up having a biological child or children. I'm just not convinced that spending money on fertility treatments is the best use of the money we've been blessed with.
The numbers vary considerably on what the success rate for IUI with injectables is, but even the highest rates are a reason for pause. Can I justify spending, say, $3000 on ONE cycle with only a 15 or 20 percent chance that it will work? Not to mention that just because you get pregnant doesn't mean you will deliver a baby. It seems like an awful lot of money to pin on some not-so-good prospects. Sure, it'd be worth it if it worked. But I can't imagine how bad we'd feel if we saved up that money and spent it on one cycle and had a BFN at the end.
As of right now, we don't have insurance coverage for treatment, thus the estimate of $3000 for an injectable IUI cycle. If J's future job while I'm in school ends up having some coverage (particularly for the medications), I might be more willing to consider going that route. It just depends on how much we'd have to pay out of pocket and where we are financially.
J still thinks we can get pregnant on our own. He thinks that, for whatever reason, it just hasn't happened yet. And I'll admit that I harbor this same thought. After all, we have been pregnant before, even though it didn't last long. And if there is nothing really wrong with us after all the testing we've had, maybe it will happen eventually. I certainly haven't given up hope that it will. But after over two years of trying, I've stopped worrying so much about it and have begun to consider other options.
One thing that is not an option for us, in case you were wondering why I haven't mentioned it, is IVF. For personal and religious reasons, it's not something we're comfortable with.
So adoption is on my mind. I've been reading some adoption blogs and that's been interesting. Especially the ones that start sometime at the beginning of an adoption journey and go on through the actual adoption. It's nice to see it all come together.
When I first started thinking about expanding our family in this manner, I didn't feel comfortable with it. Like most women, I'd imagine, I've always thought I'd have my kids the old-fashioned way. So it takes a shift in perspective to wrap your head around doing things differently. But the more time that has passed, the more comfortable I am with it. I feel more of a kinship reading the blogs of adoptive moms than I do reading those who have biological children. When I think of meeting our baby for the first time, it's more likely I'll think of meeting the birthmother at the hospital than of being the mother giving birth.
I really really want to be someone's mom. I really want to experience being a parent with my husband. If I sit around all day and think about how my own body is betraying me and denying me this experience, it's just sad. But if I think about adopting, it gives me hope. It reminds me that eventually, I will be a mom. Even if it doesn't happen quite the way I used to think it would. And that is very comforting.
It actually doesn't matter much right now which way I'm leaning because it's going to be a little while, at least, before we can pursue anything. As I said in my last post, we have some debt we want to get taken care of and any money put toward trying to expand our family, regardless of how we choose to do it, will come after those other things are paid off. But I think about it a lot. About how we'll proceed and how our family will eventually grow.
And right now, I'm leaning toward adoption. Well, I'm hoping we can get pregnant naturally, but I'm open to adopting some day, even if we end up having a biological child or children. I'm just not convinced that spending money on fertility treatments is the best use of the money we've been blessed with.
The numbers vary considerably on what the success rate for IUI with injectables is, but even the highest rates are a reason for pause. Can I justify spending, say, $3000 on ONE cycle with only a 15 or 20 percent chance that it will work? Not to mention that just because you get pregnant doesn't mean you will deliver a baby. It seems like an awful lot of money to pin on some not-so-good prospects. Sure, it'd be worth it if it worked. But I can't imagine how bad we'd feel if we saved up that money and spent it on one cycle and had a BFN at the end.
As of right now, we don't have insurance coverage for treatment, thus the estimate of $3000 for an injectable IUI cycle. If J's future job while I'm in school ends up having some coverage (particularly for the medications), I might be more willing to consider going that route. It just depends on how much we'd have to pay out of pocket and where we are financially.
J still thinks we can get pregnant on our own. He thinks that, for whatever reason, it just hasn't happened yet. And I'll admit that I harbor this same thought. After all, we have been pregnant before, even though it didn't last long. And if there is nothing really wrong with us after all the testing we've had, maybe it will happen eventually. I certainly haven't given up hope that it will. But after over two years of trying, I've stopped worrying so much about it and have begun to consider other options.
One thing that is not an option for us, in case you were wondering why I haven't mentioned it, is IVF. For personal and religious reasons, it's not something we're comfortable with.
So adoption is on my mind. I've been reading some adoption blogs and that's been interesting. Especially the ones that start sometime at the beginning of an adoption journey and go on through the actual adoption. It's nice to see it all come together.
When I first started thinking about expanding our family in this manner, I didn't feel comfortable with it. Like most women, I'd imagine, I've always thought I'd have my kids the old-fashioned way. So it takes a shift in perspective to wrap your head around doing things differently. But the more time that has passed, the more comfortable I am with it. I feel more of a kinship reading the blogs of adoptive moms than I do reading those who have biological children. When I think of meeting our baby for the first time, it's more likely I'll think of meeting the birthmother at the hospital than of being the mother giving birth.
I really really want to be someone's mom. I really want to experience being a parent with my husband. If I sit around all day and think about how my own body is betraying me and denying me this experience, it's just sad. But if I think about adopting, it gives me hope. It reminds me that eventually, I will be a mom. Even if it doesn't happen quite the way I used to think it would. And that is very comforting.
Apr 27, 2011
Change of plans.
Just when I thought we were finally heading in the right direction (or just in a direction, really) we changed our minds. J and I decided that I will not be starting law school this year. It will be at least August of 2012 before I start. (I say "at least" because who know what'll happen between now and then to cause another change of plans.) We simply don't feel we have enough time to do everything we need to do to make a major move before August. Even if J found a job right away, there is still so much to do. Also, we have some debt we'd like to get paid off before I start. We are fortunate that we don't have a mortgage and both of our cars are paid for. But we do have some other things that it would be nice not to have to worry about before we temporarily become a one income family. (I will not be working while I'm in school.)
I'm totally fine with putting it off. I may retake the LSAT and try to raise my score and then apply this fall to some other schools I'm interested in. We certainly are not married to the idea of attending the school I was planning to attend this fall or of living in that particular city. So this is really a chance to expand our options. Hopefully, anyway. If I get accepted anywhere else! I'm not too worried about that, though. I won't be applying anywhere that is out of reach for my LSAT score and GPA. Maybe I can manage to have at least two or three choices.
Maybe, at some point, this will finally all come together and work out. We can make a move, set up our lives in another place, make new friends...but, for the next year or so, I'm afraid it's still going to feel like we're just treading water. I'm okay with the wait (because who wouldn't want to put off the terror that is law school?). But, on the other hand, I feel like we're getting another year behind. Behind in what? The "game of life", I guess. I'm not sorry that we don't have what everyone else has. I'm thankful we're still renting a house because it means we don't have a mortgage to pay every month (and we don't have a house to try to sell or rent out before we move somewhere else). I'm thankful we're driving cars that are paid for so we don't have car payments to make. (Although lately it seems we've had to fix a lot of things.)
But it makes me feel like we're not quite grown up. At least in other people's eyes. We don't own a home, we are thinking about going back to school for new careers, we don't have kids yet. We are 31 years old and we are doing stuff a lot of people do five or ten years earlier. Sometimes it's a little frustrating to compare where we're at to where so many other people we know are. But you have to play the cards you've been dealt. We have chosen not to make buying a house a priority right now. There will be time for that later, when we're making more money (because, really, we can't afford it right now even if we wanted to) and are more sure of where we want to offically put down roots. We haven't been able to get pregnant and you only have so much control over that issue. You do the best you can with the choices and information you have. I just hope that one day we can look back over the choices we've made and be thankful for the way things happened and the way they turned out.
And, yes, I know it's not a game. I know it doesn't really matter and you can't (or shouldn't) compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone is dealing with different cards. But it's hard sometimes to look around and feel like you're the only ones who don't have it all together yet. However, I also know that just because people look like they have it all together doesn't mean they actually do. So, really, comparing yourself is just a futile exercise any way you look at it.
Coming up: TTC v. Adoption
I'm totally fine with putting it off. I may retake the LSAT and try to raise my score and then apply this fall to some other schools I'm interested in. We certainly are not married to the idea of attending the school I was planning to attend this fall or of living in that particular city. So this is really a chance to expand our options. Hopefully, anyway. If I get accepted anywhere else! I'm not too worried about that, though. I won't be applying anywhere that is out of reach for my LSAT score and GPA. Maybe I can manage to have at least two or three choices.
Maybe, at some point, this will finally all come together and work out. We can make a move, set up our lives in another place, make new friends...but, for the next year or so, I'm afraid it's still going to feel like we're just treading water. I'm okay with the wait (because who wouldn't want to put off the terror that is law school?). But, on the other hand, I feel like we're getting another year behind. Behind in what? The "game of life", I guess. I'm not sorry that we don't have what everyone else has. I'm thankful we're still renting a house because it means we don't have a mortgage to pay every month (and we don't have a house to try to sell or rent out before we move somewhere else). I'm thankful we're driving cars that are paid for so we don't have car payments to make. (Although lately it seems we've had to fix a lot of things.)
But it makes me feel like we're not quite grown up. At least in other people's eyes. We don't own a home, we are thinking about going back to school for new careers, we don't have kids yet. We are 31 years old and we are doing stuff a lot of people do five or ten years earlier. Sometimes it's a little frustrating to compare where we're at to where so many other people we know are. But you have to play the cards you've been dealt. We have chosen not to make buying a house a priority right now. There will be time for that later, when we're making more money (because, really, we can't afford it right now even if we wanted to) and are more sure of where we want to offically put down roots. We haven't been able to get pregnant and you only have so much control over that issue. You do the best you can with the choices and information you have. I just hope that one day we can look back over the choices we've made and be thankful for the way things happened and the way they turned out.
And, yes, I know it's not a game. I know it doesn't really matter and you can't (or shouldn't) compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone is dealing with different cards. But it's hard sometimes to look around and feel like you're the only ones who don't have it all together yet. However, I also know that just because people look like they have it all together doesn't mean they actually do. So, really, comparing yourself is just a futile exercise any way you look at it.
Coming up: TTC v. Adoption
Apr 11, 2011
Decisions.
We had a really nice vacation last month. I'll say more about that once I have my pictures available to post. I'm still waiting on getting the new card reader put in!
We're kind of getting down to the wire on making a decision about whether we're going to pursue moving. My seat deposit is due April 15th. We are both leaning in the direction of moving to Alabama, but I'm waiting on J to say the word and make it official. I know it's what I want to do and it's what will be the best thing for my career in the long run. (As opposed to staying here and going to the local non-ABA law school.) J believes it's the best thing, as well, but he has the added challenge of finding a job. I'm trying to help him. I send him job links. I sent messages to a couple of people I went to college with who I knew lived in that area and asked them if they could put out some feelers for jobs and places to rent. One of them came through and there are a couple of job opportunities J needs to check out. It takes him longer to work through things than it does me and I'm sorry to say I haven't been very patient with him. But you can only put things off for so long before the opportunities are gone. I'm hoping his job search will be short and we can get this show on the road. It would be nice to move and get settled in before school starts. There are so many things to do when you move to a new place other than just moving your stuff and getting settled into your new home. It would be nice to have time to find a place to worship, find a new primary care doctor, find a new vet for the dogs and find our way around the city a bit before I have to start worrying about school. School starts in four months. I think I'm starting to get a little nervous!
We're kind of getting down to the wire on making a decision about whether we're going to pursue moving. My seat deposit is due April 15th. We are both leaning in the direction of moving to Alabama, but I'm waiting on J to say the word and make it official. I know it's what I want to do and it's what will be the best thing for my career in the long run. (As opposed to staying here and going to the local non-ABA law school.) J believes it's the best thing, as well, but he has the added challenge of finding a job. I'm trying to help him. I send him job links. I sent messages to a couple of people I went to college with who I knew lived in that area and asked them if they could put out some feelers for jobs and places to rent. One of them came through and there are a couple of job opportunities J needs to check out. It takes him longer to work through things than it does me and I'm sorry to say I haven't been very patient with him. But you can only put things off for so long before the opportunities are gone. I'm hoping his job search will be short and we can get this show on the road. It would be nice to move and get settled in before school starts. There are so many things to do when you move to a new place other than just moving your stuff and getting settled into your new home. It would be nice to have time to find a place to worship, find a new primary care doctor, find a new vet for the dogs and find our way around the city a bit before I have to start worrying about school. School starts in four months. I think I'm starting to get a little nervous!
Mar 7, 2011
Mar 4, 2011
So much to figure out...so little time.
I am happy to say that I was accepted at the law school in question in my last post! Not only that, but they offered me a 66% tuition remission scholarship! I had said that they would need to offer me at least $20,000 a year for us to even consider it and 66% of tuition works out to $20,460. So we are considering it! The stipulation to keeping the scholarship after your first year is that your GPA stay above 2.75. That doesn't sound too difficult, but then again, I have no idea how tough law school will be (other than what I've heard others say, of course). But I can work pretty hard for $20,460!
This nice scholarship offer makes things complicated, however. If they had said, "Hey, we'll give you $10,000 a year", then we would have moved on to other options. We're not interested in owing that much in student loans. But now we actually have to consider a big move. Well, "big" to us. It means moving several hours away from where we are now. It means J has to find a job and it has to pay enough to support both of us because I wouldn't be working while I'm in school. It means having to find a place to live that's decent, but not too expensive. It's certainly a good opportunity, though. I don't know how keen I am on living in the city it's located in, but it's because I've never been there (we may have driven through there before, but I'm not sure). We probably need to make a weekend visit just to look around and get an idea of how it is and if we could live there for three years. I realize you can't really make that sort of judgment about a place in a weekend, but it's better than committing to moving somewhere without checking it out at all.
I have to let them know by mid-April, I think, if I am going to go there. And I have to pay $500 of the $750 seat deposit (unrefundable, of course) by that time. So if we decide to go for it and J isn't able to find a job before then (which is the biggest hurdle to moving), I'll be out that money. We've not had much luck so far in locating jobs for him to apply for.
We have been busy lately and have had kind of a stressful week, so J and I haven't spent a whole lot of time talking about it. I'm sure we'll be discussing it on our vacation.
Speaking of vacation, this time next week, we'll be leaving (or about to leave, depending on how late we are running) for J's grandparents house, which is on the way to the beach. We'll spend the night there, then head on to South Carolina on Saturday. We are so very ready! Next week we'll be busy trying to get everything ready for the trip. It's kind of tough to pack for a week when you are going to be staying in a tent. Trying to get everything you want to take to fit into your four door sedan isn't all that fun. And when you aren't sure how the weather will be, it's hard to know what to pack to wear. (Which is my job.) But it'll be worth it once we get there and get to relax for a few days. We seriously need to unwind and we certainly have plenty to think about while we're there. We have so many decisions to make about our future! I find that making decisions is easier when you're out of your everyday element and have some space to think.
My blog really needs some pictures. The problem is that we bought two new cameras recently and the card reader on my computer isn't able to read the cards in them. We bought a new card reader, but J hasn't put it in yet. So hopefully soon I'll be able to make my blog less boring!
This nice scholarship offer makes things complicated, however. If they had said, "Hey, we'll give you $10,000 a year", then we would have moved on to other options. We're not interested in owing that much in student loans. But now we actually have to consider a big move. Well, "big" to us. It means moving several hours away from where we are now. It means J has to find a job and it has to pay enough to support both of us because I wouldn't be working while I'm in school. It means having to find a place to live that's decent, but not too expensive. It's certainly a good opportunity, though. I don't know how keen I am on living in the city it's located in, but it's because I've never been there (we may have driven through there before, but I'm not sure). We probably need to make a weekend visit just to look around and get an idea of how it is and if we could live there for three years. I realize you can't really make that sort of judgment about a place in a weekend, but it's better than committing to moving somewhere without checking it out at all.
I have to let them know by mid-April, I think, if I am going to go there. And I have to pay $500 of the $750 seat deposit (unrefundable, of course) by that time. So if we decide to go for it and J isn't able to find a job before then (which is the biggest hurdle to moving), I'll be out that money. We've not had much luck so far in locating jobs for him to apply for.
We have been busy lately and have had kind of a stressful week, so J and I haven't spent a whole lot of time talking about it. I'm sure we'll be discussing it on our vacation.
Speaking of vacation, this time next week, we'll be leaving (or about to leave, depending on how late we are running) for J's grandparents house, which is on the way to the beach. We'll spend the night there, then head on to South Carolina on Saturday. We are so very ready! Next week we'll be busy trying to get everything ready for the trip. It's kind of tough to pack for a week when you are going to be staying in a tent. Trying to get everything you want to take to fit into your four door sedan isn't all that fun. And when you aren't sure how the weather will be, it's hard to know what to pack to wear. (Which is my job.) But it'll be worth it once we get there and get to relax for a few days. We seriously need to unwind and we certainly have plenty to think about while we're there. We have so many decisions to make about our future! I find that making decisions is easier when you're out of your everyday element and have some space to think.
My blog really needs some pictures. The problem is that we bought two new cameras recently and the card reader on my computer isn't able to read the cards in them. We bought a new card reader, but J hasn't put it in yet. So hopefully soon I'll be able to make my blog less boring!
Feb 22, 2011
I'm back!
Despite appearances, I haven't deserted my blog. I've thought about posting something, but I just haven't gotten around to it. Life has been busy and there have been some changes recently. And there are more to come.
The main thing going on in my life right now is making a decision about law school. I was accepted at a school near where we live, but after receiving my scholarship information from them, we decided that was not the best option. It was a crummy scholarship award and this particular school is absolutely not worth getting into that much debt. No school would be, in my opinion. But especially not this one. It's a new law school (although the university it's associated with is not new) and has no reputation behind it. Plus, for a new school, they sure are asking a lot for tuition. $32,000 a year! So I withdrew from there and I'm in the process of figuring out what to do next.
Sort of on a whim, I decided to apply to a school that is around four and a half hours from where we live now. It had been on my list of possible schools previously. There were some schools on my list whose standards would make me feel the need to retake the LSAT before I applied to them. Not that I absolutely couldn't get in with what I have now, necessarily, but I would need a higher score to get a better (or any) scholarship. But at this particular school, my LSAT score and GPA are both in their 75th percentile, so I felt comfortable going ahead and applying. I'd like to start school this August and retaking the LSAT would mean waiting another year to start. Anyway, I whipped up a personal statement and got everything in order and submitted my application on February 11th. They have an application status checker, so I was (a little obsessively) checking that to see if there was any movement on my application. Finally, I decided to email the admissions director and ask him if he could give me a ballpark figure about how long it usually takes for a student to receive their decision. He said that I am scheduled to be deliberated upon by the Admissions Committee on February 24th! And he should be able to let me know something on the 25th. Also, scholarship decisions are made within one week of the admission decision and he said it might possibly be made by the 25th! I'm not worried about getting in, but I am really anxious to hear about the money. I wish it didn't have to be such an issue, but it is. We don't want to be in a lot of debt, especially when the legal market is so unpredictable right now and we don't even know if I'll be able to find a good job once I graduate. We have a figure in our head about the amount that will allow us to seriously consider this school, so we'll see what they offer me and go from there.
I think this school would be a great fit for me and I'm hoping it works out. I also think it would be good for my husband and I to live somewhere else. This school is in a city, but it's a smaller city than we live in now. I think both of us are really meant to be country people. We have dreams of one day owning a lot of land, so our neighbors aren't too close and our kids have plenty of room to run around and play outside. The only good thing about living in the city is the convenience factor and having access to so many things nearby. However, when there is so much traffic that it takes forever to get anywhere, that sort of negates any perceived convenience. I live about eight miles from my workplace and it takes about 30 minutes to get there. Crazy.
As for baby matters, those are more or less at a standstill right now. We aren't preventing (not that it matters, obviously), but we are not doing any treatment at this time. Our RE recommended injectables (I assume with IUI), but we have to pay for it all out-of-pocket and we can't afford it right now. And with all the upheaval about law school and the possibility of moving, TTC is on the back burner. Not that I don't think about it, but it's not my priority at the moment. It's actually been nice having some things to distract me from obsessing about it so much. I'm sure once I actually start law school, I'll have even less time to think about babies.
In other exciting news, we are going on vacation in March to our most favorite place! It's one of South Carolina's Sea Islands and we love it there. J has been going there with his family since he was very young and I started going when we were dating. We set up a tent very close to the beach and spend the week doing a whole lot of nothing (i.e. walking around, collecting shells, eating, riding bikes, etc.). We are just hoping the weather will be nice while we're there. I made these reservations last July and would have preferred to go in April of this year, but I think the campsites we wanted were already reserved during that time. At any rate, we are really looking forward to our trip! It will be nice to get away and take a break from our busy lives for a few days.
I'll try not to let so much time go by before I post again!
The main thing going on in my life right now is making a decision about law school. I was accepted at a school near where we live, but after receiving my scholarship information from them, we decided that was not the best option. It was a crummy scholarship award and this particular school is absolutely not worth getting into that much debt. No school would be, in my opinion. But especially not this one. It's a new law school (although the university it's associated with is not new) and has no reputation behind it. Plus, for a new school, they sure are asking a lot for tuition. $32,000 a year! So I withdrew from there and I'm in the process of figuring out what to do next.
Sort of on a whim, I decided to apply to a school that is around four and a half hours from where we live now. It had been on my list of possible schools previously. There were some schools on my list whose standards would make me feel the need to retake the LSAT before I applied to them. Not that I absolutely couldn't get in with what I have now, necessarily, but I would need a higher score to get a better (or any) scholarship. But at this particular school, my LSAT score and GPA are both in their 75th percentile, so I felt comfortable going ahead and applying. I'd like to start school this August and retaking the LSAT would mean waiting another year to start. Anyway, I whipped up a personal statement and got everything in order and submitted my application on February 11th. They have an application status checker, so I was (a little obsessively) checking that to see if there was any movement on my application. Finally, I decided to email the admissions director and ask him if he could give me a ballpark figure about how long it usually takes for a student to receive their decision. He said that I am scheduled to be deliberated upon by the Admissions Committee on February 24th! And he should be able to let me know something on the 25th. Also, scholarship decisions are made within one week of the admission decision and he said it might possibly be made by the 25th! I'm not worried about getting in, but I am really anxious to hear about the money. I wish it didn't have to be such an issue, but it is. We don't want to be in a lot of debt, especially when the legal market is so unpredictable right now and we don't even know if I'll be able to find a good job once I graduate. We have a figure in our head about the amount that will allow us to seriously consider this school, so we'll see what they offer me and go from there.
I think this school would be a great fit for me and I'm hoping it works out. I also think it would be good for my husband and I to live somewhere else. This school is in a city, but it's a smaller city than we live in now. I think both of us are really meant to be country people. We have dreams of one day owning a lot of land, so our neighbors aren't too close and our kids have plenty of room to run around and play outside. The only good thing about living in the city is the convenience factor and having access to so many things nearby. However, when there is so much traffic that it takes forever to get anywhere, that sort of negates any perceived convenience. I live about eight miles from my workplace and it takes about 30 minutes to get there. Crazy.
As for baby matters, those are more or less at a standstill right now. We aren't preventing (not that it matters, obviously), but we are not doing any treatment at this time. Our RE recommended injectables (I assume with IUI), but we have to pay for it all out-of-pocket and we can't afford it right now. And with all the upheaval about law school and the possibility of moving, TTC is on the back burner. Not that I don't think about it, but it's not my priority at the moment. It's actually been nice having some things to distract me from obsessing about it so much. I'm sure once I actually start law school, I'll have even less time to think about babies.
In other exciting news, we are going on vacation in March to our most favorite place! It's one of South Carolina's Sea Islands and we love it there. J has been going there with his family since he was very young and I started going when we were dating. We set up a tent very close to the beach and spend the week doing a whole lot of nothing (i.e. walking around, collecting shells, eating, riding bikes, etc.). We are just hoping the weather will be nice while we're there. I made these reservations last July and would have preferred to go in April of this year, but I think the campsites we wanted were already reserved during that time. At any rate, we are really looking forward to our trip! It will be nice to get away and take a break from our busy lives for a few days.
I'll try not to let so much time go by before I post again!
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