Change of plans.

Just when I thought we were finally heading in the right direction (or just in a direction, really) we changed our minds. J and I decided that I will not be starting law school this year. It will be at least August of 2012 before I start. (I say "at least" because who know what'll happen between now and then to cause another change of plans.) We simply don't feel we have enough time to do everything we need to do to make a major move before August. Even if J found a job right away, there is still so much to do. Also, we have some debt we'd like to get paid off before I start. We are fortunate that we don't have a mortgage and both of our cars are paid for. But we do have some other things that it would be nice not to have to worry about before we temporarily become a one income family. (I will not be working while I'm in school.)

I'm totally fine with putting it off. I may retake the LSAT and try to raise my score and then apply this fall to some other schools I'm interested in. We certainly are not married to the idea of attending the school I was planning to attend this fall or of living in that particular city. So this is really a chance to expand our options. Hopefully, anyway. If I get accepted anywhere else! I'm not too worried about that, though. I won't be applying anywhere that is out of reach for my LSAT score and GPA. Maybe I can manage to have at least two or three choices.

Maybe, at some point, this will finally all come together and work out. We can make a move, set up our lives in another place, make new friends...but, for the next year or so, I'm afraid it's still going to feel like we're just treading water. I'm okay with the wait (because who wouldn't want to put off the terror that is law school?). But, on the other hand, I feel like we're getting another year behind. Behind in what? The "game of life", I guess. I'm not sorry that we don't have what everyone else has. I'm thankful we're still renting a house because it means we don't have a mortgage to pay every month (and we don't have a house to try to sell or rent out before we move somewhere else). I'm thankful we're driving cars that are paid for so we don't have car payments to make. (Although lately it seems we've had to fix a lot of things.)

But it makes me feel like we're not quite grown up. At least in other people's eyes. We don't own a home, we are thinking about going back to school for new careers, we don't have kids yet. We are 31 years old and we are doing stuff a lot of people do five or ten years earlier. Sometimes it's a little frustrating to compare where we're at to where so many other people we know are. But you have to play the cards you've been dealt. We have chosen not to make buying a house a priority right now. There will be time for that later, when we're making more money (because, really, we can't afford it right now even if we wanted to) and are more sure of where we want to offically put down roots. We haven't been able to get pregnant and you only have so much control over that issue. You do the best you can with the choices and information you have. I just hope that one day we can look back over the choices we've made and be thankful for the way things happened and the way they turned out.

And, yes, I know it's not a game. I know it doesn't really matter and you can't (or shouldn't) compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone is dealing with different cards. But it's hard sometimes to look around and feel like you're the only ones who don't have it all together yet. However, I also know that just because people look like they have it all together doesn't mean they actually do. So, really, comparing yourself is just a futile exercise any way you look at it.

Coming up: TTC v. Adoption