Life was almost so different.

If things had turned out differently, we probably would've been celebrating our four-year-old's birthday this weekend.

I would know what it's like to have someone call me "mommy".

I would be an expert at bandaging boo-boos and kissing skinned knees.

I would enjoy celebrating the holidays again because I'd have someone little to share them with.

I would read more children's books and fewer books written for adults.

Our living room floor would be strewn with the toys of a child instead of the toys of our dogs. (Well, there would still be dog toys!)

I wouldn't feel left out when people around me talk about their children.

I wouldn't still long to see my husband be a daddy.

I wouldn't wonder if I would ever have a child.

I wouldn't have to wonder if our child was a boy or a girl, what color their hair and eyes were, if they favored me or my husband or what kind of person they would grow up to be.

Our baby was due around June 6, 2007. It's hard to imagine how different our life would be if the baby had made it. We would be such different people because we'd be someone's parents. Our choices, our priorities, our plans...they would all take into consideration the child that was in our lives.

But we go on, without a child at the moment and not knowing what the future holds. We don't know if we'll ever have a biological child, although we hope we will. We don't know if we'll move on to adoption at some point. All I know is that losing the baby shaped our current life in the same way a living child would've shaped it. When you're a parent, it becomes the center of who you are. Every decision you make is made with your child in mind. Every action you take will take into consideration the consequences on this little person who means so much to you. When you don't have children, you're more free to do what you want. You can travel and stay up late and watch whatever you want to on television. You can spend your free time however you want, instead of having to cater to the needs of a little kid. Whether or not you're a parent affects so many things about your life and lifestyle.

I'm not completely sorry for where we are now. I'm glad we moved from where we last lived (where we were when we lost the baby). I don't like where we live now, but we'll probably be moving within the next year or so for law school. I'm glad I have the opportunity to go back to school and thankful for a husband who is willing to support us while I do that. I'm glad I get to sleep in occasionally. It's nice to eat meals in peace and to only have to get myself ready in the morning. But I still wonder what things would've been like if we'd been able to take our baby home from the hospital and raise it...something so many people take for granted, but many other people don't get to experience.

I'm so ready to experience that. I'm ready to give up the freedom to experience motherhood. After all, I'm not getting any younger here. It would be nice if I had a child before my friends start becoming grandmothers, you know? But I'm trying to be patient (sort of). I'm trying not to spend too much time focusing on it because, at the moment, there isn't much I can do. But when it finally happens, whether through my own pregnancy or through an adoption...I am SO ready.