13 Weeks and 5 Days

Here's a baby bump picture that was taken two days ago:

The pregnancy is still going well. We made it to the second trimester! I still listen to the baby's heartbeat every day. I haven't gained much weight yet...maybe a pound or two. Our next appointment with the nurse-midwife is at sixteen weeks. She said we could do our "20 week" ultrasound at 19 weeks, so we have just a little over five weeks before we find out if we're having a boy or girl! (If the baby cooperates, that is.)

We've bought a few baby items. We have two car seats (one for each car), a stroller (a big one that goes with one of the car seats...we still need to get a lightweight stroller), a portable swing, a Pack 'N Play, a high chair and a diaper bag. We also have quite a few items of clothing and some toys, blankets and bibs. I ordered some cloth diapers online, but they're in layaway right now. Then I found a diaper that's the brand I ordered in a discount store, so I got it. It's adorable! I guess we'll keep disposables around for traveling and times when it's easier not to have to deal with the cloth, but I want to use the cloth primarily.

J and I are going on a trip to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for our eighth wedding anniversary, which is September 20th. We'll be gone this Friday through next Tuesday and we're looking forward to just having some time to relax. His parents have a chalet in the mountains and that's where we're going to be staying. Life is so busy when we're home and we don't have a lot of time when it's just the two of us and we're not in the middle of doing something else. So I'm excited to spend some time just hanging out with my husband! 

Pictures

Me with my parents and husband.

With Riders in the Sky.

At the U.S. Space & Rocket Center in Huntsville, Alabama.

In Charleston, South Carolina.

10 Weeks and 2 Days

We had our first appointment with the nurse-midwife group on August 23rd at 10 weeks. It went really well and I think I'm really going to be happy working with them. We saw Lauren, who will be my "primary" midwife, by virtue of the fact that she was the first person I saw. She was really nice and had an easy way about her. I'll see her at my next appointment, but then they encourage you to see other midwives also, so you have a better chance of having some familiarity with whoever happens to be on call when it's time for you to deliver.

We mostly just talked at this appointment. She gave me a book that they give all their clients called "Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth". I haven't started it yet, but plan to this weekend. We discussed the Prometrium I've been taking. I told her my RE wanted me to start weaning off of it this week, but that I'd like to take it a little longer if it was okay. She said it was okay to take it up until 12 weeks, but I should stop it at that point. So just a few more days of that!

We got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time! It took her a moment to find it. When she did, she got this big smile on her face and said, "Awesome! It's in the 160s. It's perfect." She told me before she looked for it that since I was only 10 weeks, she wasn't sure if she'd be able to find it and she wouldn't be worried if she couldn't. (Of course, I would've been worried.) After she found it, she thanked me for being skinny! I guess if I wasn't, she might not have been able to find it this soon.

I purchased a fetal doppler to use at home and we tried it out for the first time after our appointment. It arrived the day before, but I figured it would be better to wait until after the midwife had found it to try it out...that way if we weren't able to locate the heartbeat, we wouldn't worry because we would know it was there. J was able to find it, but just for a moment, then I guess the baby moved. I have been able to find it every time I've tried since then. It's just so reassuring to hear it. Since our next appointment isn't until October 4th, the doppler is going to be my best friend. I might lose my mind having to wait that long to know things were okay, so I'm very thankful I have the doppler to give me peace of mind. Plus, it's just cool to hear the heartbeat!

9 Weeks

Today I'm 9 weeks pregnant! I'm thankful to have made it this far and I'm worrying less than I was at first. Every day still feels like a little victory, though, and I'm sure I'll never stop worrying completely. Our last doctor's appointment was on August 11th. We saw my RE again and had another ultrasound. This was at 8w2d and it was cool to see the difference in the baby from 6w2d. It actually looks kind of like a person now! And this time we got to see the heartbeat (which was 158). J said he teared up during the ultrasound. I'm glad he's been with me at every appointment so far. He is excited about being a dad!

Everything looked good. The RE said the fluid in my uterus is significantly less than it was at the last ultrasound. He is not convinced that it's actually a subchorionic bleed. He said that's what the Maternal Fetal Medicine people said (I guess that's who read the ultrasound), but he's not sure that's what it is. He's not sure what it is, but, at any rate, it seems to be going away and hopefully it'll be gone by the next ultrasound.

The RE released me from his care, so I will be getting my care from a group of nurse-midwives from now on. Our first appointment is August 23rd and I'm looking forward to that. This will be our first "real" OB appointment, since up until now we've just been checking the progress of the pregnancy and following up on the fluid issue. I'm excited to be using the nurse-midwives rather than a physician. I feel like they'll be a better fit with my philosophy on childbirth and my desire to have it be as natural as possible. Right now, I'm planning on an unmedicated birth. I'm not very tolerant of pain, really, but I know that's better for the baby and for me.

As for how I'm feeling, I'm doing pretty well. The nausea got worse for a few days and now it's better again. I've been having a lot of headaches, but I'm not sure if that's related to being pregnant or not. I have them regularly anyway, but I know pregnancy can make it worse. It's a struggle not to take anything for them. I know I can take acetaminophen, but I'm trying not to take it as much as I would if I wasn't pregnant. I had a horrible migraine a few days ago. I get them every once in a while, but this one was just wearing me out. The pain behind my eye was so awful. I actually started crying because it hurt so bad, which I don't think I've ever done because of a migraine. But it finally stopped. I live in fear of having another one, though!

I haven't really gained weight so far. I was 105 the first time I weighed after I found out I was pregnant and I was 107 this morning. But it has been fluctuating. Its a little scary that in a few weeks I'll be seeing numbers on the scale that I've never seen before. At least it's for a great cause!

Surprise!!!!

I'm pregnant!!!!

Even though I never completely gave up hope that it would eventually happen, there were definitely times when I wondered if I'd ever get to say those words. But here I am!

It started around July 11th. It was getting close to time for my period to start and I was having some cramping down below. It felt similar to menstrual cramps, but maybe not exactly like them. However, I don't normally have cramps until after my period has arrived, so it was kind of strange. I haven't been temping regularly at all, but I took my temperature the morning of the 12th and it was quite high. I had also had some nausea. So I started to wonder if, after all this time, I could possibly be pregnant.

Shortly after I got home from work on the 12th, I took a HPT. For the first time in my life, I saw two lines! (With my first pregnancy, I never took a HPT. I discovered I was pregnant via labwork.) What a nice surprise! However, the test I had taken had an expiration date of July 2012. I figured it was still okay, but I'm paranoid, so I took another one that was not expiring any time soon. It was positive too! So I figured it must be really true. (I also took another one later that night and one in the morning.)

My husband was not home from work yet. I felt the need to tell someone, but I didn't want to tell him over the phone. So I called my parents and told them! They were very excited. They know we've been trying a long time. When my husband got home, I showed him the tests. Very creative way to tell your husband he's going to be a dad! He was on the phone when he walked in and I just wanted him to stop talking so I could tell him! He was excited, but also scared. So many things are going to change and we had plans for the future that now have to be altered. But he is looking forward to being a daddy!

I called my doctor's office the next morning, July 13th, to see if I could get a blood test done to confirm the pregnancy. My beta came back at 534 and my progesterone was 21.3. On the 15th, the beta was 1,383 and the progesterone was 22.8. My doctor (I'm still being followed by my RE at this point, even though I didn't conceive through fertility treatment) wanted me to have an ultrasound done the following week, so that was scheduled for the 21st. I asked if I could have my labs drawn again in preparation for the ultrasound and I'm glad I did. On the 21st, my beta was 10,778, but my progesterone had dropped to 16.9. Of course that drop worried me. I know progesterone fluctuates, but that seemed to be a pretty large drop to me.

At our ultrasound that afternoon, all we saw was the gestational sac, which was to be expected that early on. (Plus, I think the ultrasound equipment he was using was kind of old. I don't know if a newer and better machine would have seen more at that point.) I was 5w2d going by my LMP. He prescribed me some Prometrium for progesterone support and I started it that evening. He told me to take it orally and to take 100 mg three times a day. But I decided I would rather take it vaginally. He said that was okay, but dropped the dose down to 100 mg twice a day.

He noted that there was  large area of fluid in my uterus on the ultrasound, but did not say what it was. I thought he said he didn't know, but I'm not sure. He said it wasn't close to the baby and that it would not move around, so it wasn't something I needed to worry about. Of course, I worried about it anyway. He told me to come back in a week for another ultrasound and an appointment with the other doctor in the practice. My regular RE would be out that day and I didn't want to see this other doctor, but I wanted to have the ultrasound that day, so I just went with it. (I saw the other doctor one time, when we were first starting to seek out an answer to why we weren't getting pregnant. Neither my husband nor I liked her at all. It was such an awkward appointment and I didn't care for her bedside manner. Our personalities just did not mesh at all.)

Fast forward to the 28th and our second ultrasound. They took all the measurements this time and it took quite a while. The ultrasound tech said she would take a few minutes to get the measurements and then turn the screen around so we could look at it. Of course I was afraid there would be no baby there or that something would be wrong. I knew that at 6w2d, we might or might not see the heartbeat. Even though I knew it might be too early, I knew I'd worry about it if we didn't see it yet. So I was shaking a little from nerves while I was laying there on the table waiting for her to get done. Finally, she turned the screen around. And we saw the yolk sac and our sweet little baby. She did not show us the heartbeat, but she was able to measure it and it was 131 bpm. The baby measured just right at 6w2d. We got several good pictures. (Not that there's a whole lot to see, but it's still awesome to have!) Plus, they tested my progesterone again and it was up to 29.3, so that was good news.

I felt some relief after the ultrasound because everything was where it was supposed to be and the baby had a detectable heartbeat, which is a good sign.

Then we met with Dr. Awkward. Both J and I really like our RE. He is very personable and I feel comfortable asking him questions. He doesn't make us nervous or make us feel uncomfortable. He is the one who did my lap surgery last November. I trust him. But Dr. Awkward...ugh. Neither J or I were looking forward to meeting with her. Anyway, she said the ultrasound looked good. I asked her about the fluid in my uterus and she said it could be a subchorionic bleed. This is not exactly common in pregnancy, but it happens and most of the time it's not a big deal. Sometimes women will bleed out and the baby will be fine. Sometimes it is reabsorbed. Sometimes it causes problems. She was kind of negative about it. Even though the statistics I've found say there's a low chance it will cause the loss of the baby. But she seems like the kind of person who is kind of gloom and doom. I mean, I'm all for honesty, of course. I don't want the doctor to give me false hope. But I've done some research on this and I know that there is generally more reason to expect things to be okay than not with this particular issue.

The ultrasound report says this probably is a subchorionic bleed. Apparently my RE is out right now, but I've left a message for him to ask him if it's something I need to be concerned about based on the size and location. I wish I didn't have this to worry about because everything else seems to be going along pretty well. The ultrasound also showed a uterine fibroid that I was not aware of and I don't think my RE was either. I knew I had one, but they apparently found another small one. Why can't my uterus just be normal?

Anyway, overall things seem to be going well. I'm anxious to hear back from the doctor on his opinion of the bleed. If he says it's small and nothing to worry about, I'll feel better. I'm sure I'll still worry, but maybe not as much. I know worrying about it doesn't help. I've been praying a lot about the baby and I know other people are praying too. We have another ultrasound on August 11th. I think this is mostly to check on the bleed, but I guess we'll be able to see the baby again too. Bonus!

Baby R is due on March 20, 2012! (Which happens to be my mom's birthday!)

Summer fun.

Last month, my husband surprised me with tickets to the NKOTBSB concert in town. (That's New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys, for those of you who didn't listen to boy bands when you were a kid.) I was pretty excited! (And J got the tickets from his job and didn't have to pay for them, so that made it even better.) I was never a huge fan of the BSB, but I did like NKOTB when I was younger. It was fun (and cheesy) hearing all those songs from the old days. And there is nothing like 40 year old men trying to be as "cool" as they were when they were teenagers. It was hilarious. Even J seemed to have a good time, although I think he is hesitant to admit this since it involves losing his "man card".

We also recently went to a theme park to enjoy a day of fun, rollercoasters (and other rides, of course) and people watching. Oh, the people. I think it is possible that I saw more tattoos in that one day than I have in all the previous days of my life put together. It was crazy. I have a couple of tattoos (small ones) so I'm not against them. But most of these were just not attractive and too big! Don't they know how they're going to look when they're 80 years old? I'm guessing most of them don't care or haven't thought about it. At any rate, it was interesting.

I'm supposed to be studying for the LSAT that I'm retaking in October, but I haven't spent much time on it lately. It is so boring and it's pretty easy for me to find something else to do that's more important or pressing. I mean, I have to do laundry and cook dinner, right? And by the time I get home from work and do all the stuff around the house, my brain is too tired to study. I can easily stay up until midnight or later most nights, but not if I'm trying to read something. Even if it's something I want to read, it puts me to sleep. And, trust me, the LSAT study books and questions are not things that anyone (in their right mind) wants to read.

I fully intend to get some pictures on here at some point. I promise! Blogs are so much better with pictures (in my opinion).

Parental control.

I will admit that I'm one of those annoying people who does not have children, but likes to think she knows a few things about raising them. Now, to clarify, I realize that what you think you would do in a certain situation can go completely out the window when you actually have children. Because you just don't know what the particular circumstances will be or what the temperament of your child will be and the best way to handle them. BUT, I am nearly 32 years old. I have watched other people's parenting (or lack thereof) for quite some time. When you don't have kids of your own, what else can you do but be judmental of everyone else?

Recently, my husband and mother-in-law and I went to an outdoor concert. We took our two Dachshunds. One of them, Jake, is generally very well-behaved. His biggest problem is that he loves EVERYONE and wants to kiss them on the mouth. Brody is also generally pretty good, but he sometimes has an issue with barking. He's pretty loud for such a small guy and he doesn't just bark, he howls. We think it's pretty cute, but I can see how it would be annoying to someone else, particularly to someone who's not a dog person.

Anyway, so we were at this concert and the boys were behaving pretty well. Brody would start barking if he saw another dog (or sometimes some other object, but it mostly seemed to be dogs). But I was able to get him to be quiet pretty quickly (we had food with us...the great silencer). Some kids had come by or had been looking at the dogs, but nothing to get them terribly upset. But then several kids were there at one time. All boys, I think. They were all pretty young. Young enough that their parents or whoever was in charge of them should have had more control over them. At first they were just trying to pet the dogs. I think Brody was already barking some at this point. But then this one little boy, who was maybe two or three, started squealing at Brody, which made him bark more. He did this several times before someone came over and made him stop. I was trying to have a friendly look on my face, all the while wishing someone would come get these kids so my dog would stop freaking out. (I'm just glad he didn't pee on me, as he sometimes does when he's excited.)

I certainly don't mind if a kid wants to pet my dogs. In fact, I get a bit offended at those parents who, when their child sees our dogs and wants to come over, won't let them. But it bothers me when parents are on the other end of the spectrum and basically let their kids harrass my animals. If the dog is upset and barking, then doesn't it occur to them that maybe they need to get their kid out of the dog's face? Not because the dog's going to hurt them, but because it's frustrating to me, the owner. Not to mention we were out in a public place...so between the screaming and yelling little boys and the barking dog...it was kind of embarrassing.

I don't claim to know everything about being a parent or know how I'll handle every situation. But I think it's safe to say that if those had been my kids, they would NOT have been allowed to act like that.

Life was almost so different.

If things had turned out differently, we probably would've been celebrating our four-year-old's birthday this weekend.

I would know what it's like to have someone call me "mommy".

I would be an expert at bandaging boo-boos and kissing skinned knees.

I would enjoy celebrating the holidays again because I'd have someone little to share them with.

I would read more children's books and fewer books written for adults.

Our living room floor would be strewn with the toys of a child instead of the toys of our dogs. (Well, there would still be dog toys!)

I wouldn't feel left out when people around me talk about their children.

I wouldn't still long to see my husband be a daddy.

I wouldn't wonder if I would ever have a child.

I wouldn't have to wonder if our child was a boy or a girl, what color their hair and eyes were, if they favored me or my husband or what kind of person they would grow up to be.

Our baby was due around June 6, 2007. It's hard to imagine how different our life would be if the baby had made it. We would be such different people because we'd be someone's parents. Our choices, our priorities, our plans...they would all take into consideration the child that was in our lives.

But we go on, without a child at the moment and not knowing what the future holds. We don't know if we'll ever have a biological child, although we hope we will. We don't know if we'll move on to adoption at some point. All I know is that losing the baby shaped our current life in the same way a living child would've shaped it. When you're a parent, it becomes the center of who you are. Every decision you make is made with your child in mind. Every action you take will take into consideration the consequences on this little person who means so much to you. When you don't have children, you're more free to do what you want. You can travel and stay up late and watch whatever you want to on television. You can spend your free time however you want, instead of having to cater to the needs of a little kid. Whether or not you're a parent affects so many things about your life and lifestyle.

I'm not completely sorry for where we are now. I'm glad we moved from where we last lived (where we were when we lost the baby). I don't like where we live now, but we'll probably be moving within the next year or so for law school. I'm glad I have the opportunity to go back to school and thankful for a husband who is willing to support us while I do that. I'm glad I get to sleep in occasionally. It's nice to eat meals in peace and to only have to get myself ready in the morning. But I still wonder what things would've been like if we'd been able to take our baby home from the hospital and raise it...something so many people take for granted, but many other people don't get to experience.

I'm so ready to experience that. I'm ready to give up the freedom to experience motherhood. After all, I'm not getting any younger here. It would be nice if I had a child before my friends start becoming grandmothers, you know? But I'm trying to be patient (sort of). I'm trying not to spend too much time focusing on it because, at the moment, there isn't much I can do. But when it finally happens, whether through my own pregnancy or through an adoption...I am SO ready.

The boys.

My husband and I really love our dogs. They are most definitely an important part of our family. I don't think I can ever have another type of dog other than a miniature Dachshund. They are just awesome! Here are some pictures of the boys, Jake and Brody.

                                                                 Jake, looking serious.

                                    Brody, looking more grown-up than I think he does in person.

                                                                They love each other!

Jake in his Snuggie that doesn't quite fit.

                                                                        Baby Brody.

Love them!

I had a dream...

Today did not start out too well. I had a nice dream that J and I had found out I was pregnant. I should have realized it was a dream, since I think I was maybe five or six weeks along and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't take me that long to figure it out if it really happened. Anyway, we were excited and it was all quite pleasant...until I woke up. It took me a moment to get oriented and realize that I am not, in fact, pregnant. I felt sad when I realized this and it wasn't a good way to start the day.

As I've mentioned before, I've been thinking about adoption lately. But this dream just brought back to the forefront of my mind and emotions how much I really want to have biological children. I want to experience pregnancy. I want to go through that with my husband. And I wonder if it's ever going to happen. One minute I'm okay (more or less) with adoption and the next (right now) I just want to find a way to make a baby grow in my own body. A baby made up of me and J.

In other news (or, rather, non-news) things are still up in the air about law school and they will be for a few more months. I started studying for the LSAT again last night. Uggghhhh. It is so boring. It makes my brain hurt. But I will do it and I'm determined to score several points higher than I did the first time I took it. Admittedly, I could have studied much harder for it that time. But, as I said, it is so boring. I'll take it in October and will get my scores about three weeks after the test. Then I'll apply to a few different schools I'm interested and, as I get offers for admission (and hopefully scholarships), we'll make a decision about where we want to go. This is assuming I get more than one offer, of course!

I'm looking forward to moving out of the area we live in now and making a life somewhere else (even if it's only for the three years I'm in school). Then, when I'm done with school, maybe we'll finally be able to live somewhere we actually want to live. And be able to afford to do some things we want to do. (Buy a house, HAVE SOME BABIES, etc.) My dream of moving to South Carolina and my dream of babies will keep me going through law school when it gets tough. (That and my dogs. I envision many evenings of studying with both of them right there with me.) May of 2015 can't get here fast enough. Of course, I intend to enjoy life between now and then and don't want to wish the years away. But I feel like the dreams I have for the future can really start to come to fruition when I graduate. I can't wait!