Infertility.

I haven't deserted my blog, despite what my almost three month absence might lead one to believe. Today's subject is infertility. More specifically, my struggle with infertility.

We have been trying to start our family for nearly two years. As of right now, we aren't sure what the problem is. My husband has been tested and was fine. I had an HSG done and it showed that my tubes were blocked. This is not always a reliable test and we aren't positive that the tubes are actually blocked. However, my cycles are regular and I ovulate on my own. So there is something keeping us from getting pregnant.

Our next step is for me to have a diagnostic laparoscopy. I have the surgery scheduled for December, but I'm still waiting for my husband to give me the final go-ahead. He has some reservations about it. I'm hoping to get an answer from him within the next few days.

This has had a huge impact on my life. When you're young and thinking about the future, you never consider the fact that you  might have trouble getting pregnant. You just assume things will happen the way they are supposed to. I was excited when we finally started trying, as I'd been wanting to for a while. As the months passed and nothing happened, I became concerned and decided it was time to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). But I kept hoping it would just happen naturally.

I took a pregnancy test this morning (which is something I don't bother doing very often). It was negative. No big surprise there. But this was perhaps the least disappointed I've ever been with that result. Not that it's not disappointing. But I have gotten to the point (finally) where my feelings are starting to change.

Over the past two years, I have become jaded and bitter. I get irritated any time I see a pregnant woman (it doesn't matter whether I not I know the person, although if I know them, I get more irritated). I have a good friend who is expecting a baby in a few weeks and I have certainly not been a great friend to her during her pregnancy. I have kept my distance and, when I have talked to her or been around her, tried not to talk too much about the baby. Any pregnant women is like a neon sign to me, blinking "YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT!". It's very frustrating. I know this is terrible. I'm aware that this is not the way a Christian should act. But my desire to become a mother is so strong that my emotions take over the logical part of my brain. Well, I guess I let them take over. There have been so many people around me who've had babies in the time since we started trying. I find it tough to ignore the feelings these constant reminders cause.

 I've spent too much time feeling sorry for myself because I've been unable to get pregnant. Over the past few days, I have started to feel somewhat better about my situation. Part of it is because I'm hoping to get the laparoscopy done and find out what the problem is. Even if the problem can't be fixed, at least I'll know where we stand and we can make a plan for the future. (But I hope, of course, that the surgery will be able to fix what's wrong.) Part of it is because I believe that somehow, someday, I will be a mother. It may not be in my timing and it may not be the way I've expected, but it will happen. Unfortunately, patience is not my strong suit. I know I need to depend on God and wait on His plans, but this is difficult for me. I'm a planner and I like to be in control. I like to know what's going to happen. So it's tough for me to just pray and let it go. But I know that's what I need to do.

God knows what's best for me. I don't. That's all there is to it.